Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
