Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
