i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize