i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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