I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
