remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
