Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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