i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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