so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize