No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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