He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
