I accidentally had phone sex last night
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
