no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
