he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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