I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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