This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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