nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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