I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize