I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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