I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
