and you said cock pushups were impossible
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
