I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
