i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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