Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
