I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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