can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
