Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Randomize