our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
