things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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