i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
