I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
