My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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