At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
