You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
