It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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