My liver just broke up with me...
It's Friday. Sex?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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