you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
