he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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