His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
