So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
