I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
