Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
