If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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