She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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