he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
