seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
