They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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