i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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