omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
