I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
