What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
