I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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