apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize