my phone needs a breathalizer
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
