Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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