Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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