So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
