I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
