Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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