The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
