i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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