Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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