Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize